People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
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*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
girls literally only want one thing..
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”