Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby