Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community

They got a point!

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade