Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place