Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

If you aren’t imagining that there’s a little fireman inside you releasing a fire hydrant with one of them big wrenches when you pee, what are doing?

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood