Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.