Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.