Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

I’m just playing devils avocado here

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

You look like you would fail a DNA test

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

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The Chosen Phew

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no