People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
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Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
This is hilarious
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination