People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
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The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Nothing to do, you say?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class