People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
You Might Also Like
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber