People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
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When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
“no gods no masters” = leo
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness