People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
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me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
