People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
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But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”