People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
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Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”