Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.