Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

Close call…

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.