People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.