People might drive more safely
if airbags were filled with glitter
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FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking