People might drive more safely
if airbags were filled with glitter
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(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
imagine getting destroyed like this
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?