people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
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We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.