people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.