Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

🤣

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.