People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
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This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now