People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
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My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.