People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
ew if literal: let me be clear
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”