People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
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Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
when a toddler tells a story
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Netflix and awkward silence?
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.