Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!