People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
![]()
You Might Also Like
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no