People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
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Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
catch me on valentine’s day like
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
