People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
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Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Care for your back
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.