people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
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glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My sex drive has a dui
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
🍛
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.