@SwordzOrc

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

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@omgthatspunny

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

@robin_991

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

@Marcmywords2

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

@ItsAndyRyan

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

@golubeerji

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

@JuanSalton

I don’t have a drinking problem, I’m very good at it

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.