People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
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cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂