People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
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I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
plant them where lol
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
the clam before the storm
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…