Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.