This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
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You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Just parrot things
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Same post same
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.