People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
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People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
😭😭😭
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
What a website
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah