Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

LA today:

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

I can’t stop laughing at this

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.