People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
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What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub