Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

im gay on my mothers side

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

Godspeed, John Glenn

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.