People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
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passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
sometimes we need to be reminded
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Everything reminds me of my ex
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop