People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
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Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
For when Tinder doesn’t work
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I’M CRYINGGG
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president