People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
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a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.