People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
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Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
thanksgiving should be called feaster
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
need him
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.