Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game