People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
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[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
just make the entire table out of coaster
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Not😆🤣
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?