@MariyaAlexander

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

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@SlabBaconBP

My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you’re not better than everybody else.

@RedRegenerated

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

@BellPupper

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

@The_MartiniGirl

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

@suecorvette

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

@PinkCamoTO

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

@LittleMissAngr1

[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]

Niece: why are you doing that?

Me: so I can stay strong and healthy

Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy

@KaylaKumari

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

@MissBee73

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing