People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
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I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Good dog. ❤️
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!