People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it