People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
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God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
