People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
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My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Seems a bit forward
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Optional boss fight.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.