Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

2022 be like

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

a public service announcement

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”