Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

is it too early for christmas memes

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

“what that mouth do?” complain

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.