Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

Should I call tech support or pray or what

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.