People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
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flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
This kid will have a bright future.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
BRAKING NEWS!!
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together