People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
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Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?