People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
english majors be like furthermore
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
