People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
