Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

i’m gonna allow it

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

lot going on here, legally speaking.

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask