Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”