PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
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*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.