People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
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me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.