People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
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All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?