People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
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While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.