People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
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I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Just a bush.
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.