People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
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Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Just this preview of the story is enough
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.