People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
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Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Watson was Holmes schooled
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
The devil.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me: