People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
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Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard