People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
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This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.