@pittdave13

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

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@StainsQueen

I have a joke about the pandemic but it’s taking too long to finish

@KaRaRacn75

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

@moose_chocolate

“Carrie” is my favourite movie about how religious faith leads to supernatural mass murder.

@whatyawant3

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

@loribuckmajor

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

@dad_on_my_feet

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

@yonewt

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

@jjhartinger

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea