@pittdave13

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

You Might Also Like

@SadMeterologist

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

@newLettuce

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

@SilverKick

It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.

@noaccountlurker

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

@NewDadNotes

DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?

Darth Vader: Im An…

DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins

Darth Vader: I think he died

@XplodingUnicorn

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

@kumailn

Be great if just once the winning actor was like “I mean it wasn’t a particularly strong group this year, but still.”

@oakhillbargrill

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.