-I heard this dog was chipped.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
You Might Also Like
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.
Hugh Jackman and Gene Hackman should trade last names.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?
Darth Vader: Im An…
DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins
Darth Vader: I think he died
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Be great if just once the winning actor was like “I mean it wasn’t a particularly strong group this year, but still.”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.