People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

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-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.


Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow


It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.


For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.


DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?

Darth Vader: Im An…

DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins

Darth Vader: I think he died


Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.


Be great if just once the winning actor was like “I mean it wasn’t a particularly strong group this year, but still.”


That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.