People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
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She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
I…do not understand how electricity works.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.