People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
